time to catch up

I had given up on this blog already. I am guilty of a NYresolution that I quickly abandoned.

but, then I had an epiphany--I could write a bunch of short posts and still meet my quota of one per day, but there might be a lot on certain days. It's kind of cheating, but creative and would prevent me from stopping altogether.

GREY GARDENS. I saw this hbo movie last night. never a fan of Drew Barrymore, yet she was fantastic as Edie Beale. The movie scares me, reminds me of my parents and so my husband said we should buy a copy because after watching it I ran around the house putting little things away. It's the little things that you don't put away that end up becoming a big mess. Maybe that is a horror of mine...living in a place, overwhelmed by your possessions.

It's hard when you have some sentimental attachment to items, and/or want to dispose of them properly, put them back in order, or be a good shepherd to your possessions. It's much harder for me to just throw something in the garbage. That was a no-no growing up...my father would actually root through the trash to see if we were throwing something out he deemed "valuable." so it was a bit of a nightmare, sneaking things out of the house. The thing was, after he died, we hired two dumpsters to haul his stuff to the landfill. People came and looted the dumpster, taking out all the metal and furniture, which was fine by me. He saved things, but was too lazy to preserve his possessions and so most were ruined by water damage in their basement. Truly disgusting.

I struggle with these issues in my own life. I have a lot of pieces of fabric, supplies to make things with, things I have saved of my parents, if you can believe it--some of my father's LP's, cd's, but I am more and more ready to get rid of these things. Often possessions seem like a weight. And yet they can be useful, too.

Well, that is one post. more later...

I am a housewife

You know, it was hard for me to say this at first. You are supposed to be a SAHM (stay at home mom) but really, I am a housewife. I was a bit depressed about this at first, but then I thought it was ok. It is a job to keep the house clean, take care of the kids and do whatever else I do. Sometime it seems unstimulating, but then I could say that any job I've ever had had its times of being a drag. Maybe what bothers me is that I am not actually officially earning any money on a day to day basis. Using coupons and buying something on sale doesn't really count.

So, this year I said I'd like to clear 10K. It's a fraction of what I earned at my last job, but it seems intimidating because I have to create this money. My first job is doing our taxes. That counts. I also sold some belts at a consignment shop. I'm going to have to keep a tally. It's going to be hard because I only have the babysitter for 10 hours/week.

How sad that Alexander McQueen killed himself. He was so lucky to be able to use his talent and be recognized for his talent and have such amazing experiences but that didn't insulate him from deep depression.

I am sort of watching 30 Rock and it's hard to think, too.
good night!

in bed

Ok, so I'm doing this post. I usually do not have my laptop in bed, I am in the minority there. How do I segue into what I was just thinking about before I got the computer:

fungus, bacteria, viruses, parasites and ticks, etc. I became somewhat obsessed or vigilant, regarding clearing my body or at least being aware of the foreign matter that invades our bodies. Most of the micros can be fairly tamed with household OTC items, but it really is a matter of assessing what you are dealing with.

For instance, I've had tinnitus for at least 10 years now. At first I just thought it was from playing music and that is certainly a part of it. Then, for the past 5 years I also have had pain in my left ear, which I thought was bacteria and have been treating it with my favorite, h2o2. Just recently though, I thought maybe there might be fungus in my ear. After all, I sleep with earplugs and have been thinking that maybe air doesn't circulate enough when I sleep. I tried to sleep without earplugs but my hearing is so acute that every little noise wakes me. And forget it with kids. My husband sleeps rather soundly while I am up with their every whimper, cough and cry.

ok, so I thought: fungus. I typed in fungus in ear canal into Google and yes, there are 4 types of fungus that can get in your ear. And, it can cause ringing! So, now I am putting vinegar on a q-tip and then rubbing that in boric acid and putting it in my ears. Who wants fungus in their ears? ick. And so far, the pain has abated. Now we'll see about any ringing.

ok, off to sleep now.

wow, a day late but early

It's the day time and both kids are asleep and when I wait and put off something, it's harder for me to do it and I end up letting it slide. Although I did start work on our taxes already for this year. I have 6 tax returns to fill out and file. Our kids get a modest sum from a trust set up by my father, but we have to pay taxes on it. So there are 4 forms right there.

It's snowing now. Really snowing and I was just out emptying the Dyson against the tree, making lots of icky grey dust but trying to cover it up, too. Where is the best place for dust to go? Is it ok to compost it? There was a time when I didn't have garbage service. Before I moved to New York, when I was a recycling coordinator. The very little bit of garbage I did make I must have brought to work, but I don't really remember. Between compost, recycling, a thrift store and battery recycling, one can be pretty low on the garbage generation. That was when I lived in a house that was leaning to one side. The owner wanted to sell it to me but it was really more of an adventure. I don't think the lock ever worked quite right, so there was that trust/adventure/fear/adrenaline going, too. I had a car or truck bench seat for my sofa. But I kind of loved that house.

I resigned from the mailing list of a down syndrome group today. I didn't give a reason, but the reason basically is that I am not catholic and I am not pro-life and I resent those two beliefs entering into advocacy for people with down syndrome. There must be more liberals who have children with down syndrome. I need to find them.

My Aunt is in Florida for a month, living it up with a few friends. She told me she got a new wallet, new pair of shoes and a credit card for Marshall's so she could get 10% off that purchase. When she gets back, she'll have a month of mail to go through so that will further prevent her from getting her house and estate together. I try not to let this bother me. I work on being detached. It would be easy for me to decline being a co-executor for her will, but then I stick her stepdaughter with the details and that really isn't fair to the stepdaughter. But that's really what everyone tells me to do.

I want to go to some Zen retreat for my birthday. Ideally, I'd like to go to a place where there is no talking, but most of those are 10 day minimums, and that's really too long to be away from the kids for my comfort. I think it would be heaven to have silence. I have always scrutinized my face for signs of again, but I do think that maybe my face has caught up with my chronological age. People used to always say, "no way" when they found out how old I am, but now I think I've aged. Being in the sun? Having grief? Kids? Something.

I am auditioning for a local musical tonight. I kind of hope the auditions are postponed due to the snow because I am nervous. When you do a show, you can begin the performance nervously but that usually goes away in a few minutes. In an audition, there is no time to get nervous.

OH. My daughter woke up and is fussy.
gotta go

procrastination time again

well, I'm back and I procrastinated getting back to writing again. I was avoiding doing this and it was as if I was doing it to myself on purpose. Just taking 5 minutes to write isn't really a big deal but if I'm honest with myself, I do procrastinate a lot.

The vacation was basically great. Mexico. Warm, water, beach, speaking Spanish, all good. It's amazing how quickly Spanish comes back.

Going on vacation makes you want to go on vacation again and for longer and that makes me aware of wanting to be able to go on vacation, to have the resources to go.

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We got some chickens yesterday. 13 hens and 2 roosters. They seem like nice birds and 5 already laid eggs today, so it seems like they are not too stressed by the move. I'm excited to have chickens again after 17 months. They were hand raised so hopefully we'll be able to pet and hold them.

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This past week what I did was basically do all our laundry and put everything away and go through the backlog of mail. That is the downside of going on vacation: getting caught up. It seemed like everything was dirty or smelled like the sea.

Ok, I am not very inspired to write today even though things are going on and whatnot. I am going to chalk it up to having to overcome my guilt for not writing after I got back from vacation. It's almost like I am withholding to punish myself even though there is really no benefit to punishing myself.

I'll try again tomorrow. Good night.

Leaving on Vacation

Hi. I don't think I'll write on vacation, so I'll be off until Feb 1st.

My daughter said she was still scared about "the man got me" but then today I said, "Remember how we crumpled him up and threw him out the window? Let's do that now," and that seemed to work.

My son has not wanted to eat for almost a week now. Just drinks bottles of milk. It freaks me out and ratchets up my anxiety. Is this a temporary regression? Has he slipped back into a previous month? Is it two steps forward and one step back? My husband reminds me we have to take this one day at a time.

I am contemplating asking my Aunt to remove me from being a co-executor of her will/estate. Why put myself through this again? I have such a strong dedication to cleaning up my family's messes, but at what cost to me?

see you in 10 days.

"The Man Got Me"

My daughter has been picking her lip a lot, like a nervous habit and it's been driving me a bit nuts. This has been going on for a few months and I've tried different things to see if I could get her to stop, mostly saying, "stop picking your lip" which has not been effective and telling her to sit on her hands, again, not very effective. I even pointed out how Andy Rooney has a large flap of skin hanging down from his upper lip and how she doesn't want to end up like that. Not effective. Jeez, I was probably making it all worse.

Tonight I was putting her to bed and she was picking her lip and I asked her if there was something bothering her and she said, "The man got me," and then she said next time we can stay home.

What happened is that on Halloween a guy at a house we were going to for candy played a trick and it freaked her out. He was sitting motionless in a head-to toe-green spandex suit on a porch and after she got the candy from another guy the "man" stood up and pointed a finger at her and said, "Give me your candy!" She shrieked and we laughed and also tried to comfort her but it has been bothering her ever since. She often says, "The man got me" and we talk about it but it obviously has made her anxious and her little mind was trying to work out what to do next Halloween. I told her we could still dress up, we could go to a different area to trick or treat and even that the man might not be there next year.

Then I said, "ok, this time I'll be the man," and she said "no, no" but I just was motionless for a second and then said, "give me your candy," and she just laughed and laughed so I did it again and again and she kept laughing and giggling...and then I said, "Ok, now I'm going to crumple him up and throw him out the window" and I did that a few times and then she crumpled him up and said the same thing.....and then it seemed like she totally relaxed and got over it.

We'll see tomorrow if this reenactment was successful or whether we'll need to do it a few times but I am relieved that perhaps we figured out how to overcome this trauma!